Marathon

I fully admit I am afraid to commit to doing another full marathon but part of me really wants to do it in spite of my fears. I’ve only done one full one once and I like the idea of doing another but I understand the amount of time and dedication to training it takes. 

There is so much I hope to accomplish this year. I wonder if this fits with my overall plans. I’m scared and excited. I may need to spend some time and write it all out then contemplate the big picture. 26.2 miles seems like a long way to run but then I think of all those ultrarunners out there who do that distance for training runs. How do they fit it all in to their lifestyle?

If they can do it so can I? But then I wonder why... why do we run? Why do I run? I love the benefits of being a runner for sure but why do I want to push myself to go farther? And faster? Why do I always want to do more? Pushing myself to see how much I can accomplish, how far past my comfort zone am I willing to go? There must be a good reason for all of this.

Isn’t that the beauty of being alive?

62 days

Straight. Practicing French and writing a blog post every single day. I almost forgot today. How long do they say it takes to create a new habit?

I keep thinking about things I forgot to add into my Love vs Fear book proposal. I keep crossing tasks off my to do list. Time keeps flying by so fast. 

I realized too today when renewing my ElevenNW domain that I had bought I AylaJoyLove.com. Last time I looked at domain names it was taken, haha, by me. Too funny.

Thats all for now. Goodnight. 

Always Something

If it isn't one thing it's another. There's always something that happens that keeps us on our toes. I guess that's why we are here... to overcome our challenges. To face our fears. To explore how deeply we can love in spite of it all. The endless adventures that keep us going.

It's never boring that's for sure. In fact can be quite frustrating depending on how we look at it. The context and our beliefs have a lot to do with how we perceive things. I want to keep an open mind. I want to believe that no matter how much I don't understand why certain things happen the way they do that they happen for some reason and the best I can do is to make the best out of it all.

When you really think about it, it's pretty amazing to be alive. Thats it. Challenging or not the fact that we are living, breathing consciousness is in itself a miracle of sorts and definitely something to be thankful for. 

Lake Samish

I love to run, most of the time, some days feel better than others. Today was very wet at the GBRC Lake Samish Runs and I was thankful I was only doing one loop around the lake. The 1/2 marathoners started first and us 6.5 milers went 15 minutes later. I was soaked by the time I was done but it was still fun. There was even nice hot greasy bean juice generously provided by Fidalgo coffee all morning. The steamy liquid warmed me right up after the race as I went inside to take more pictures where it was dry. I dream of being faster some day but I was happy enough to just get out and run today. If it weren't for the Greater Bellingham Running Club I probably would have been lazy on this damp winter day.

Awe Shuksan

Aw shucks, I had some brilliant idea for what to write here but suddenly I'm feeling extremely tired.

Mount Shuksan always inspires me with it's sheer beauty and obvious awesomeness.

I had a wonderful day doing readings at Simply Spirit during Jill Miller's psychic fair today. It really helped me to feel validated that I can see clearly. I just have to learn to trust myself consistently and be honest with what I see. Since I graduated from the yearlong Clairvoyant training program I have missed going into the reading and healing center on a regular basis. Today made me realize how much I want to be doing readings for people. I want to help, it felt good and I would love to figure out a way to do things like this more often. It was my first time being paid for readings too, (which I would have happily done for free) but it also made me feel like the real deal. I wonder if I could do this professionally?

Jill is a wonderful teacher, an amazing reader and great healer and I'm very thankful to know her. She has helped me immensely in my own personal growth and I would highly recommend her services to everyone. I love the fact that this community has such a valuable resource. I know I have overcome a lot of my own fears by having readings done and even by doing readings for others. It's amazing work.

Shh...

Shh...

it. I'm trying something new with formatting here on Squarespace. I'm not really sure what to write either. I just put dinner in the oven after baking two different batches of gluten free muffins. There's a lot of items on my to-do list that I would like to cross off however I'm running out of energy. So that's it for today blog writing streak day #58.

Daring to Dream

Here we go... I've done my research. I've poured my heart and soul into writing this proposal for HayHouse and I hope that my dreams will soon come true. Even though it scares me to think of what may happen after I send it off tomorrow I just have to trust that whatever happens will be meant to be. I've put in the effort and I will keep on dreaming of bigger better things as I continue the journey that is my life.

The original title was going to be Bonsai or Microcosm but after hearing James Van Praggh speak at the writers workshop I changed my mind but had no idea what to call the book. When I was on the plane flying home from Hawaii it dawned on me that the whole story was really about Love versus Fear. Often times I avoided doing things I loved out of fear. Fear that I wouldn't be trusted by the ones I loved the most. I sacrificed the things I loved to make things work in so many relationships I found myself in.

Love gives us the courage to face our fears but often times the fear of losing love can also create more fear. Especially in relationships, which it almost seems as if my whole life I've been learning about Love and Fear from some of the people who have been closest to me. From this I've also learned that above all else it's important to love and to trust myself first. I'm the only one that knows whats best for me and the truth always reveals itself eventually no matter how much fear we have regarding scenarios in our lives and our personal relationships.

Facts

The fact of the matter is that life is messy. There are always chores to be done no matter what. Laundry doesn't do itself, dishes need to be washed, toilets need to get cleaned, cars have to be maintained and the cycle continues on endlessly. It's part of being alive.

The facts are usually clear to see and although there is some wiggle room, the truth speaks for itself.

We take care of business, business takes care of us.

It all goes both ways in this dualistic world.

Doggone it! 

Sometimes I wish it was all much simpler. Then I wonder, what if it is simple and I am the one making it seem so complicated?

I wrote my post yesterday because I felt like I was being played by the car dealership. At the last minute I took the highlander in to a independent mechanic to get a second opinion before I traded away what I thought was going to be my long term transportation companion. The independent mechanic said the minor leak was nothing to worry about.

Since the car dealership had already listed my car for sale on their webpage I came to two conclusions. Either there was actually no real problem with my car in the first place and they figured it was safe to resell it without any major work. Or they were just going to pawn my problem off on another unsuspecting victim while making money off of a new transaction with me so I figured I could have ended up with the same problem with the newer car anyway. Which is why I had to get that second opinion for my own piece of mind. 

I didn't want to give up my heated leather seats as much as I thought I would have been okay without them for a supposedly more reliable vehicle either. When the car dealership first said they were going to make it right, I should have asked what that meant because the whole time the situation didn't feel right and I should have trusted myself. Why do I still struggle to trust myself? I'm learning and it just isn't as simple as I'd like it to be. 

It was all a game to them but for me the numbers just didn't add up, the integrity didn't seem real and now I am moving forward after a bunch of car-related stress. I am still hoping I can trust that I made the right decision however my ability to trust anyone including myself has been compromised by this chain of events.  I know with time it will feel better. I just have to remember to trust myself above all else and hold my ground. 

Lies

Hate is a strong word that I avoid using or feeling. However, I more than just "dislike" the feelings I feel in association with lies and being lied to. I fully admit that I hate it. I hate feeling like I'm being taken advantage of too and it makes me really angry when this happens. Why do people lie? It doesn't matter if you're the liar or the one being lied too it just doesn't feel good. I do my best to be honest because it feels better to tell the truth.

How do I shift back into Love from such a strong negative emotion? How do I choose to feel happy when I am feeling mad? I want justice. At the same time I want to let it go. Torn with emotions over such seemingly simple concepts.

Why is it so hard to trust my inner radar? Because I always give people the benefit of the doubt.

I see what I want to see which usually means seeing the best in everyone I encounter. However I deserve honesty. I just want to shake this subtle feeling of betrayal. It's the car thing again. They said they wanted to make it right but why don't I believe they have my best interest at heart? And how can I prevent someone else from ending up in my position?

By telling the truth I suppose. The truth is going to come out after I gather a few more facts and evidence for my case. Soon I will report the full truth here and I will do it as unbiased as possible. Then everyone can come to their own conclusion regarding this car buying saga of mine.

Happy 2018!

I'm going to keep this short but I'm keeping my streak going into the New Year and planting the seed for a great 2018. We are headed out to watch the sun set and the super moon rise on the mountain in the snow. Just finished my 54th day of French lessons on Duolingo too in case I don't have time later. 
I had the most amazing dream last night and woke up feeling like anything is possible this year. I just have to keep moving forward and vigilantly retraining my mind to focus on what I want. Maintaining my faith that everything happens for a reason and consciously create the life I need by living from my heart.

Wishing you all a Happy, Healthy, Wealthy and Wonderful new year!

Toyota Of Bellingham

OMG! I totally did not expect to spend 5 hours at the Toyota Dealership today. I started writing my blog post while sitting by the receptionist desk waiting to be called into sign some papers and now I'm back home sitting on the couch with my Macbook after eating dinner. My head is still spinning. Love and Fear is spattered all over within this story of me trying to figure out why I thought I needed a new car in the first place over a year ago. 

Having a reliable car is important for a lot of reasons though I'm sure I could get along without even having a car at all. Now that I think about it... sigh... too late for that now.  I do love the freedom of having a vehicle and I also have an affinity for Toyotas specifically. I thought that it was a sure thing that if I got a Toyota, even with high miles, I would be getting a reliable vehicle. Over a year ago I decided to buy a new to me used car and started looking for something to fit all kinds of requirements I had in mind. 

Long story short, I thought I had found the perfect SUV, it had just over 170000 miles but the price was right and it fit what I was looking for. It had everything, leather heated seats, premium sound, tow package, keyless entry and it was the right color. The only thing I didn't like was the gas mileage but I figured I would just drive carefully. Other than that it seemed like a dream, one owner car, purchased and serviced it's whole life at the dealership where I was going to buy it. The guy who sold it to me made it seem like I was getting a steal of a deal and could guarantee that it was in perfect condition, because they knew it intimately. Toyotas are known for longevity when it comes to mileage so it seemed like a sure bet.  Everything was fine until I took it in for an oil change a year later.

I went to pay the bill and as I walked up to grab my keys the service guy gave me a look that made my heart sink. He went over the list as usual saying some unexpected things then told me that the transmission and rear differential were leaking. And then he told me that it was listed in the service records from before I purchased it. WTF? Why didn't anyone tell me that before I bought the car? I immediately assumed I just got screwed by the car dealer who wanted to make his sale. It made me so mad and sad at the same time. Then the poor service guy suggested I go talk to somebody about it- he could tell I was upset and rightly so.

Needless to say they didn't charge me for the oil change that day and promised to make the situation right somehow. How? Fast forward to today. The plan was to make it right by finding me a better vehicle and giving me a good price on my vehicle as a trade in. It's been a process and this was not the first time I got a call saying hey, we have a vehicle that may work for you. In fact we had just gone to the dealership and looked at a different highlander yesterday but it was baby blue, without a hitch and not anything close to what I'd hoped for. 

Now I am rife with fear that I made a mistake. Scared that I just got taken advantage of again and mistrusting everyone in the situation. I don't even trust myself at the moment. I decided to go ahead with the new deal and take a huge hit to my pride based on numbers. I'll be getting a better vehicle for sure because it was owned previously by the son of my Mom's line dance instructor who is a Toyota mechanic. Yeah, go figure that coincidence out, it must be a sign? How is it that after I got the text from the car dealer telling me he had another different vehicle that might work, that I saw a facebook post of someone who had just upgraded to a Sprinter Van there. WTF? Really. I connected the dots and laughed.

I still didn't expect to spend 5 hours at the dealership today, nor did I expect to sign on for a loan borrowing even more money. Oscillating between thinking "it's only money" and "it's way more debt", wondering if I am doing the right thing. Knowing all the other things I could do with that money or could not do without that debt. Ugh. I do however love the way this sporty lifted white RAV4 looks and if it all works out I'll be driving it home Tuesday and saying goodbye to what I thought was my dream car and long term companion. I'm sad and afraid yet happy and excited, full of fear and love, all kinds of confused and wondering. 

My mind goes back to the Highlander and wonder why both of the front flip down visors broke since then, wondering why the front driver window suddenly recently stopped working too. Wondering why the air filter was clogged and needing replacement already, why they told me it was almost due for new brakes last time too, why it may have needed new rotors too. Why they didn't tell me it had problems in the first place and why they said they would fix it by selling me a new car that costs more than I wanted to spend (though my payments will be the same).

Why have I found myself in this situation, torn over the whole thing? What am I to learn from this mess and how do I make it right with myself? Was I meant to get a different car anyway?

I thought I had a pretty good radar for truth but now my trust has been compromised again by so many variables. I don't know what to do other than to write it all down here for reviewing later and then go hoop it off for now. I always have hope. I hope that they really are doing this to make it right. I hope that I made the right choice and that it's all going to work out for the best. I hope that I can trust again in the decency of car dealers. I want to give rave reviews but honestly, I did give rave reviews about this dealership but little did I know. And now I know more but I wish I knew more before. Sigh... the story goes on to be continued...