Facts

The fact of the matter is that life is messy. There are always chores to be done no matter what. Laundry doesn't do itself, dishes need to be washed, toilets need to get cleaned, cars have to be maintained and the cycle continues on endlessly. It's part of being alive.

The facts are usually clear to see and although there is some wiggle room, the truth speaks for itself.

We take care of business, business takes care of us.

It all goes both ways in this dualistic world.

Doggone it! 

Sometimes I wish it was all much simpler. Then I wonder, what if it is simple and I am the one making it seem so complicated?

I wrote my post yesterday because I felt like I was being played by the car dealership. At the last minute I took the highlander in to a independent mechanic to get a second opinion before I traded away what I thought was going to be my long term transportation companion. The independent mechanic said the minor leak was nothing to worry about.

Since the car dealership had already listed my car for sale on their webpage I came to two conclusions. Either there was actually no real problem with my car in the first place and they figured it was safe to resell it without any major work. Or they were just going to pawn my problem off on another unsuspecting victim while making money off of a new transaction with me so I figured I could have ended up with the same problem with the newer car anyway. Which is why I had to get that second opinion for my own piece of mind. 

I didn't want to give up my heated leather seats as much as I thought I would have been okay without them for a supposedly more reliable vehicle either. When the car dealership first said they were going to make it right, I should have asked what that meant because the whole time the situation didn't feel right and I should have trusted myself. Why do I still struggle to trust myself? I'm learning and it just isn't as simple as I'd like it to be. 

It was all a game to them but for me the numbers just didn't add up, the integrity didn't seem real and now I am moving forward after a bunch of car-related stress. I am still hoping I can trust that I made the right decision however my ability to trust anyone including myself has been compromised by this chain of events.  I know with time it will feel better. I just have to remember to trust myself above all else and hold my ground. 

Lies

Hate is a strong word that I avoid using or feeling. However, I more than just "dislike" the feelings I feel in association with lies and being lied to. I fully admit that I hate it. I hate feeling like I'm being taken advantage of too and it makes me really angry when this happens. Why do people lie? It doesn't matter if you're the liar or the one being lied too it just doesn't feel good. I do my best to be honest because it feels better to tell the truth.

How do I shift back into Love from such a strong negative emotion? How do I choose to feel happy when I am feeling mad? I want justice. At the same time I want to let it go. Torn with emotions over such seemingly simple concepts.

Why is it so hard to trust my inner radar? Because I always give people the benefit of the doubt.

I see what I want to see which usually means seeing the best in everyone I encounter. However I deserve honesty. I just want to shake this subtle feeling of betrayal. It's the car thing again. They said they wanted to make it right but why don't I believe they have my best interest at heart? And how can I prevent someone else from ending up in my position?

By telling the truth I suppose. The truth is going to come out after I gather a few more facts and evidence for my case. Soon I will report the full truth here and I will do it as unbiased as possible. Then everyone can come to their own conclusion regarding this car buying saga of mine.

Happy 2018!

I'm going to keep this short but I'm keeping my streak going into the New Year and planting the seed for a great 2018. We are headed out to watch the sun set and the super moon rise on the mountain in the snow. Just finished my 54th day of French lessons on Duolingo too in case I don't have time later. 
I had the most amazing dream last night and woke up feeling like anything is possible this year. I just have to keep moving forward and vigilantly retraining my mind to focus on what I want. Maintaining my faith that everything happens for a reason and consciously create the life I need by living from my heart.

Wishing you all a Happy, Healthy, Wealthy and Wonderful new year!

Moldavite

Last night I couldn't sleep so I held this piece of Moldavite in my hand while contemplating all the thoughts whirring through my head. I had attempted to wrap this piece of tektite previously but was unsuccessful and took it as a sign that it wasn't meant to be. Today I decided to try again as I wondered if it was just that I had not been ready to handle the energy of this piece for more than a few moments at a time.

I wrapped it differently than I have ever wrapped a stone before... something was special about this one. Its not the prettiest wire display but you can see all of the intricate details of the Moldavite surface which is what I'd hoped for.

Last year I always carried a piece of black tektite with me and the stories I could tell since it found me are fascinating. I have the feeling it was getting me ready for carrying this one with me somehow.

I'm going to start the new year with it around my neck and hope for even better stories of synchronicity to tell as we shift into 2018. I'm ready for more adventure, healing and love. Somehow I feel this is going to accelerate my personal evolution if even for nothing else but the fact that I believe its possible a tektite has such powers. Love it.

Toyota Of Bellingham

OMG! I totally did not expect to spend 5 hours at the Toyota Dealership today. I started writing my blog post while sitting by the receptionist desk waiting to be called into sign some papers and now I'm back home sitting on the couch with my Macbook after eating dinner. My head is still spinning. Love and Fear is spattered all over within this story of me trying to figure out why I thought I needed a new car in the first place over a year ago. 

Having a reliable car is important for a lot of reasons though I'm sure I could get along without even having a car at all. Now that I think about it... sigh... too late for that now.  I do love the freedom of having a vehicle and I also have an affinity for Toyotas specifically. I thought that it was a sure thing that if I got a Toyota, even with high miles, I would be getting a reliable vehicle. Over a year ago I decided to buy a new to me used car and started looking for something to fit all kinds of requirements I had in mind. 

Long story short, I thought I had found the perfect SUV, it had just over 170000 miles but the price was right and it fit what I was looking for. It had everything, leather heated seats, premium sound, tow package, keyless entry and it was the right color. The only thing I didn't like was the gas mileage but I figured I would just drive carefully. Other than that it seemed like a dream, one owner car, purchased and serviced it's whole life at the dealership where I was going to buy it. The guy who sold it to me made it seem like I was getting a steal of a deal and could guarantee that it was in perfect condition, because they knew it intimately. Toyotas are known for longevity when it comes to mileage so it seemed like a sure bet.  Everything was fine until I took it in for an oil change a year later.

I went to pay the bill and as I walked up to grab my keys the service guy gave me a look that made my heart sink. He went over the list as usual saying some unexpected things then told me that the transmission and rear differential were leaking. And then he told me that it was listed in the service records from before I purchased it. WTF? Why didn't anyone tell me that before I bought the car? I immediately assumed I just got screwed by the car dealer who wanted to make his sale. It made me so mad and sad at the same time. Then the poor service guy suggested I go talk to somebody about it- he could tell I was upset and rightly so.

Needless to say they didn't charge me for the oil change that day and promised to make the situation right somehow. How? Fast forward to today. The plan was to make it right by finding me a better vehicle and giving me a good price on my vehicle as a trade in. It's been a process and this was not the first time I got a call saying hey, we have a vehicle that may work for you. In fact we had just gone to the dealership and looked at a different highlander yesterday but it was baby blue, without a hitch and not anything close to what I'd hoped for. 

Now I am rife with fear that I made a mistake. Scared that I just got taken advantage of again and mistrusting everyone in the situation. I don't even trust myself at the moment. I decided to go ahead with the new deal and take a huge hit to my pride based on numbers. I'll be getting a better vehicle for sure because it was owned previously by the son of my Mom's line dance instructor who is a Toyota mechanic. Yeah, go figure that coincidence out, it must be a sign? How is it that after I got the text from the car dealer telling me he had another different vehicle that might work, that I saw a facebook post of someone who had just upgraded to a Sprinter Van there. WTF? Really. I connected the dots and laughed.

I still didn't expect to spend 5 hours at the dealership today, nor did I expect to sign on for a loan borrowing even more money. Oscillating between thinking "it's only money" and "it's way more debt", wondering if I am doing the right thing. Knowing all the other things I could do with that money or could not do without that debt. Ugh. I do however love the way this sporty lifted white RAV4 looks and if it all works out I'll be driving it home Tuesday and saying goodbye to what I thought was my dream car and long term companion. I'm sad and afraid yet happy and excited, full of fear and love, all kinds of confused and wondering. 

My mind goes back to the Highlander and wonder why both of the front flip down visors broke since then, wondering why the front driver window suddenly recently stopped working too. Wondering why the air filter was clogged and needing replacement already, why they told me it was almost due for new brakes last time too, why it may have needed new rotors too. Why they didn't tell me it had problems in the first place and why they said they would fix it by selling me a new car that costs more than I wanted to spend (though my payments will be the same).

Why have I found myself in this situation, torn over the whole thing? What am I to learn from this mess and how do I make it right with myself? Was I meant to get a different car anyway?

I thought I had a pretty good radar for truth but now my trust has been compromised again by so many variables. I don't know what to do other than to write it all down here for reviewing later and then go hoop it off for now. I always have hope. I hope that they really are doing this to make it right. I hope that I made the right choice and that it's all going to work out for the best. I hope that I can trust again in the decency of car dealers. I want to give rave reviews but honestly, I did give rave reviews about this dealership but little did I know. And now I know more but I wish I knew more before. Sigh... the story goes on to be continued...

Costco Connection

A shot from the best Road Trip of 2017!

I just happened to notice a little box asking to share a story about a Road Trip in this months issue of the Costco Connection magazine. The first thing I thought of was driving through the desert this last summer with Mark for an unexpected work trip to Ontario, Oregon. 

 I thought it would be a good exercise to write something up and send it. It will be interesting to see if they decide to publish it.

Hooping in the desert sun.

It was full of everything I love- adventure, exploration, hot springs, scenery, hula hooping, sunsets and time with a man who stole my heart. Just like that mini road trip was unexpected so is our relationship. We never expected to be together, we didn't have any idea from the very beginning what this was or what it would turn into. We still don't know how its all going to turn out. I shake my head and wonder what it all is. We have some connection that is for sure beyond this lifetime, it may even be beyond time itself. 

All I know is that life is a hell of an adventure and I just want to enjoy it as best I can. I can take life much too seriously at times but I know life is supposed to be fun. Even though we all struggle at times I guess it's just happens that way to provide contrast for the times when it seems so easy and wonderful. 

Pitching again

Just finished my 50th daily French lesson on DuoLingo after making a huge to-do list and crossing off a bunch of tasks. My mind is all over the place this morning yet I am getting shit done. Somehow.

I was thinking this morning about Love during all of my multi tasking and wanted to write a blog post about this powerful emotion that I was feeling in a subtle way I wasn't sure I could put into a logical explanation. I thought I would try another Pixar pitch format just for fun and tell my abstract concept as a story of sorts. Of course practice makes perfect even though I don't like doing things repetitively.  Hence it's not really a pitch for my book either. 

Anyway, I was thinking about how we have such capacity for deep unconditional love that feels so wonderful when we allow it to overcome us. Oftentimes we let the details get in the way of really feeling it and all it takes is a matter of a shift in perspective to bring that feeling back. Here it goes.

Once upon a time there was only one love, a magnificent force that encompassed the entire void of space without time.
Every day was the same, there were no days, no thoughts, no nothing but pure love and perfection existing in timelessness.
One day this one love had one thought that split eternity into time.
Because of that the universe as we know it was created in that moment.
Because of that absolutely everything is intricately connected and ultimately is the same one love that started the whole illusion of separateness that has created endless adventures in time and space wrought with pain and suffering because of not knowing this one love.
Until finally one day all of the parts of that one love realized itself again within each being, each creation from the moment of that first thought came to understand the brilliance of the self-imposed illusion of separation for unending adventures that could be created with just one thought and once again, the universe as we know it will never the same.

Why be afraid anymore when we know we are all ultimately that one love, that we chose this time and space for adventuring and knowing our infinite selves in infinite ways. It started with one, then another one made two, then those two made two and became four, then those four when on to create even more. Simple multiplication really. Oh the abstract concepts of complicated math makes my head spin like the contemplation of the meaning behind what I am trying to say with a brain that is limited by my limited beliefs about the nature of reality. Whew. Okay, back to my task list. Never a dull moment in the inner world of Joy Love.

Infinite possibilities locked within finite bodies, timeless spirits locked in time.

Fascinating and mind boggling.

Waves

My inspiration comes in waves... it's not even necessarily just inspiration either. I seem to do best if I let go of control and roll with the flow. Pushing it never seems to work for me, planning, organizing, scheduling and following a routine is not my MO. I have tried but I can't do it. Ideas strike and I write them down.

I feel waves of emotion and the words pour out onto the pages but I can't force them. Sometimes I sit to write and it just doesn't happen. Sometimes I feel like painting and when I do it's beautiful, if I force it it usually ends up not so beautiful. Even my sewing projects take on this strange life of their own. I make a general plan but only take part as it unfolds in due time. 

I don't quite understand why everything happens like it does. I've learned it's best to surf the waves when possible. Other times I have to sit back and watch them, waiting for the tide to turn or some shift to occur so that I can move forward again. When I try to force things it's like trying to paddle out directly into the breaking waves and I end up feeling like I'm going to drown.

Sometimes I can see a route to paddle around and ride the waves in but often its better to watch first and move when the waves are just right. This may sound strange but it was really hard to write this blog post. I lot of things seemed challenging today for no apparent reason. My inner state must be in a trough and I'm looking forward to the next crest where I can see clearly and cruise with the flow for awhile before starting the motion all over again. 

At least the motion is consistently inconsistent as the only constant is change. Growing and learning along the way. And I'm ready for sleep already but it's only 8:30pm. How does the time fly by so fast? It's winter now and the new year is almost here. There's still so much to do and all i can do is roll with it.

The only routine I have been able to maintain is writing something everyday but it always seems to be at different times. Same as practicing french, I've managed to do it everyday but always a little differently. Sigh, and all I do is keep wondering why. Why does it all seem to move in waves? Even love and fear seem to occur in a wave pattern. Up and down, high and low, in and out, what's it all about?

Elevator Pitch

Instead of working on writing an "Elevator Pitch" for my book I drew a pun. The Space needle has high speed elevators that travel from the ground level to the top in optimum conditions at a rate of 800 feet per minute. I drew the 605' tall space needle thinking it would give me more time in the elevator to sell my pitch but the ride is still only 43 seconds (according to a google search).

So that means I still only have 43 seconds to give a micro spiel, which is why there is a also megaphone in the drawing.  At least it will be loud and clear from the tallest observation tower in Washington state...

So here goes my Pixar Pitch version:

In the beginning I thought it was just infatuation. Every day I told myself stories for why I seemed to feel the way that I did when I was near him. One day I decided to ask him if he felt the same way. Because of the love I felt I had courage to step out of my comfort zone. Because I stepped out of my comfort zone my life was never the same. Until finally we crossed paths again years later and both discovered that the feeling of infatuation hadn't gone away.

It's a love story that could have ended a long time ago. A story of love that could have had many different endings all along the way. It's a story that hasn't ended yet and I hope to share it with you to encourage you to step out of your comfort zone. It's never too late to find out if it was just an infatuation. Maybe someone is out there just waiting for you to make the first move. Maybe you just need that little nudge of outside validation that it is possible, and that love stories are as real and varied as the people who choose to explore them. Love is powerful beyond our normal perceptions.

Happy Birthday Jesus!

Jesus was a wise man who was crucified for no good reason. It’s amazing to think about how this holiday has morphed since Jesus was born. What does Jesus think about what people have done with his story and how we celebrate his birthday? I wish I knew for sure, however, I can only imagine. 

This holiday can be experienced in so many different ways. I keep doing my best to focus on the good aspects. I enjoyed some quality family time and I am very thankful to be blessed with so much love in my life. This time of year is challenging for a lot of people for all kinds of reasons. I keep praying and wishing for the best of everything for everyone.

Thank you Jesus for being born and having the courage to practice what you preached. I aim to be more like you.

May we all have the courage to overcome our fears as the power of love prevails...

The Truth

What is the truth? The truth is that it's complicated. 

Where do I even begin to tell the whole truth? Part of the reason I am writing this book, "Love versus Fear" is to get the truth out there. Not only the facts of this life story I have to share but the beliefs that have shaped my reality along the way. It's complicated to explain how everything has taken place, if I look at it one way I feel guilty, if I look at it another way I feel justified. There are just a lot of facets to the truth so depending on how you look at the facts it can be perceived in so many different ways.

I may believe I am telling the truth but in actuality I am telling it from my perspective which is skewed by my personal observations of others along with my personal experience. I understand that my truth may not be the same as someone else because of this. I did not lie but I did withhold some information that would have changed the feelings and outcomes during certain situations in my life. I kept the truth to myself because explaining certain facts would have probably caused a lot more problems during an already difficult situation. I did what I felt I had to and some may consider what I did to be a lie. That is one of my greatest fears because there is nothing I despise more than lies. 

I do my best to be honest because I want the same in return. However the truth can really hurt, especially when the reason behind the truth is not malicious even if it may be perceived that way. It was important for me to keep some of the facts to myself until the time was right, until time had healed some wounds in all of the people who were involved. Until hindsight was available for a better perspective of the whole situation. I never wanted to hurt anyone, I never wanted to hurt myself and I know that it all hurt a whole lot. I know that it still hurts and for that I am sorry. I wish I could heal the past but I can only offer healing in the present by telling the truth now because the future has yet to be determined.