The name for this title just popped into my head so I googled it and there is an Organic Coffee shop at the University of Massachusetts called the Procrastination Station. What a great name for a cafe! However it's not such a great concept in the context I'm referring to... writing. I love to write but this blog post feels like it's been a long time coming... I've been seriously procrastinating. Even typing this first paragraph has been full of distractions prolonging the completion of a few sentences. Why?
I'm extremely thankful for all of the help I have received lately in a lot of different ways and I'm not sure how to fully express my gratitude. There are so many people who have encouraged me and are helping me to achieve my goals I don't even know where to begin. I suppose if I'm honest I have to say that I'm struggling with feeling worthy of it all. I appreciate it so much and I want to give back in all the ways that I can. Self-confidence is a real struggle and I'm afraid I still worry a little too much what people think. In my mind I fight with a perfectionist who is never really satisfied but I trudge forward and do the best I can. It's similar with running.
I call myself a runner but sometimes I feel like a fraud for no logical reason. Maybe it's because someone once told me that I would never be a runner and it stuck somewhere in my mental tissue. For some reason I believed that I would never be able to call myself a runner even though I run. I started off just trying to go a mile, then I tried to get my mile down to under 10 minutes and the journey continues even after reaching my goal of running a full marathon five years ago and running since then. Sometimes I wonder if I could even run a full marathon again.
Of course part of me wants to believe I can do anything I put my mind and heart into, but part of me gets stuck on the what if and why and how mixed with voices of doubt from the past. My intentions are good, honestly and isn't that good enough?
I believe that anyone who runs, no matter what pace or distance should proudly be able to call themselves runners. Why am I the exception? I believe everyone deserves the benefit of the doubt, that people are inherently good and that life is supposed to be fun for everyone so why am I still so hard on myself? These are the tough questions I aim to answer but at the same time they're the reason I hang out in a virtual procrastination station avoiding dealing with the feelings of unworthiness I've tried to push away.
Well, there it is, I said it. Now you know the struggle is real. I'm working on it and I only hope by exposing my vulnerable side here it may help someone else. It's really hard to accurately judge a book by it's cover or a person by how they appear, we all deal with fear on a daily basis and I just hope it doesn't prevent any of us from doing what we love.
And I do love to run. So THANK YOU for all of your support and thanks to everyone who has believed in me when I struggled to believe in myself. I appreciate it more than you'll probably ever know and I feel very blessed to know so many amazing humans.