What's Up?


"...I cry sometimes when I'm lying in bed, just to get it all out what's in my head and I'm feeling a little peculiar... and so I wake in the morning and I step outside and I take a deep breath and I get real high and I scream at the top of my lungs, What's going on?" These lyrics from a 4 Non Blondes song keep rolling through my head. In fact, I even attempted to learn how to play it on the guitar and recorded my somewhat sad attempt on video. What is going on with me? I haven't written any blog posts here for awhile so I figured it was due time. As soon as I finish this post I am going to work some more on my book about sailing across the Atlantic as a way to escape my current emotional state.

As the full brunt of the Moon is waxing into a gibbous state I sense the pressure easing a bit in my skull. The water that makes up most of this body sure has had a lot of pull over my internal state of affairs as of recently. As you can possibly tell by my most recent watercolor painting (which I like best after being modified with the #prisma app). The way I was feeling came out through the brush in a mix of colorful streaks. Feeling the weight of the concrete jungle world entangled with the subtle energies of the earth with all it's inhabitants twisted with my perception in time. What is this feeling I'm lacking the talent to shake? Obscured by the clouds of my own insecurity the walls of doubt are inviting me in. What's going on?

It's springtime and the sun has been shining, except for today, today it rained, it rained so hard I thought the sky was falling. It doesn't rain that hard that often here in the northwest, usually it rains a lot but oh so gently for a long period of time. Today it just dumped down all at once. The raging rivers in the gutters created forceful waterfalls shooting out the spouts as I watched out the window during the thick of it. Thankful at the time to be indoors in a safe, warm house, able to watch the torrent from up high. I stayed in bed for a long time today and if it weren't for a call asking for a ride home from school I may not have even left the house at all.

I have so much going on inside this amazing house where I get to live. I spent most of the morning making videos to upload to my newly approved for monetization youtube channel. Finally maybe I can bring some income in from my creative love of being a shutterbug constantly capturing life in action around me. I have so many ideas and I have the time to implement them too. I'm taking steps, some small some big, some may not get me anywhere but I'm full of hope for potentials. Yet there's something nagging at me. Something beneath the surface that I can't quite put my finger on. This life, these dreams I have while I'm awake and the dreams I have at night, the vivid pictures spinning around, the shots of Deja vu that sting me with wonderment of the meaning of it all. It's got to give, this life I live, I need a reason for all this energy, for all these ideas, for all the love I feel that I want to share but feel is already misunderstood. The urge for the collective of humanity to wake up and smell the freedom right inside our own noses. 

It stinks, I know, I smell it too and I just know there must be something I can do. But what?