Unfortunately today for me, fear was greater than love. As I went about my day I attempted to remain conscious of how I was making my choices and I soon became aware of how often I take action out of fear. First thing this morning I realized that I tend to wake up and stress myself out immediately. I looked at the clock at 9:30 and felt guilty for still being in bed. However being aware of that I then took the time to write in my virtual journal on my phone while trying to sort through the contracting feelings within my chest before moving on to my usual morning routine.
I fell behind on my task list and still made the choice to go to Elements for some hot yoga this afternoon because I love the way yoga makes me feel. With perfect timing the instructor Lauren mentioned at the beginning of class how it's not necessary to hurry, it's important to be present and mindful. Even though I know better I always seem to be in a hurry these days, so much so that sometimes I forget to breathe. Just another reason why yoga is so good for me when I manage to get myself to go. Later as I was dripping with sweat and my mind had wandered off to other things I could be doing, she mentioned paying attention to our bodies and how often we are all afraid of looking within at how we are feeling. It's so true, I often get so caught up in the future I forget to acknowledge why I feel so constricted and then make the choice change it by shifting my focus. Fear caught me again, fear of not doing enough, but I'm the only one keeping score...
Which reminds me of the profound note from the universe I received in my inbox this morning, it said, "There is no scorekeeping Joy. Everyone lives each day for him or herself, no matter what they did. No one owes anything to anyone, no matter what happened. And from this, what I hope you most get, is that whatever you do next, you do it for the joy it brings you. Rock on, The universe" (If you haven't heard of Mike Dooley and these notes from the universe I highly recommend googling it as soon as you finish reading this post.)
I tried to take it to heart, it sounds so wonderful and I want to believe that it's true but I still have some bad habits to break. I guess its time to step further out of my comfort zone because I'm used to doing things because I'm afraid of what will happen if I don't. And that really sucks because fear seems to stop the feeling of joy in its tracks. I'm just going to keep trying to increase my awareness in each present moment each day until I retrain my brain that it's all ultimately going to be okay, I want to feel Joyful again. Life is supposed to feel good. We are all supposed to feel loved and be happy more often than not.